How Not To Be A Pastor's Wife

Is that a touchy heading or what? Heads up, I'm not interested in discussing anyone's views on women pastors (which would change this to pastor's husband) here, so we'll stick with traditional thought for purposes of this post.

I think it's important that when God calls someone to be a senior pastor, it's critical that his spouse be fully on board with this life choice. This applies whether a man entered ministry straight out of college or if God called him later in life. It's vital that the wife of a pastor not be a hindrance to her husband's ministry. So let me detail just a few things a pastor's wife should not be.

• Home. If the pastor's wife doesn't come to church, or attends another church, this is not acceptable. What is her motivation for doing this? It's selfish, to be sure, because she isn't being supportive of her husband's ministry and is concerned only with herself.

• Disinterested in church tradition. A few weeks ago our pastor's wife didn't take communion. My first thought was, "Did I just see what I think I just saw?" I wasn't looking for it. I was simply following the plate as it came close to our row and happened to notice she didn't take the bread as it passed. To top it off, she walked out in between the taking of the bread and the passing of the cup down the rows. She returned during her husband's prayer for the cup (I know, because you could hear her walk back in and she was back in her seat once the prayer ended). This is beyond acceptable. Yes, your heart needs to be right before taking communion. For a regular attender, I can see this happening. The pastor's wife is held to a higher standard. Getting up in the middle of communion and being disruptive was, in a word, unbelievable.

• Be disruptive. Our pastor's wife also has this habit of getting up at least once if not twice during the service, usually within the first 5 or 10 minutes the first time. If she sat in the back row, this wouldn't be so noticeable, but she sits in the second row, then walks out right down the middle. This is, as it is with anyone else who gets up during service, incredibly disruptive. Again, she is held to a higher standard. She should recognize this and act accordingly.
  

• Smile. If you want to be a bad pastor's wife and have a negative effect on his ministry, never smile. Again, unfortunately, I have to provide an example from our own church. I have yet to see our pastor's wife smile in five weeks of attending. In fact, I'd have to say her countenance is generally disinterested and frowning. Is she this unhappy her husband is in full-time ministry? He had a corporate career previously, so I understand this isn't what she initially signed on for, but this is where God called him and she needs to be supportive. Acting like this just ticks her off is not good for his ministry.


• Dress inappropriately. Now, I'm not concerned with style or exactly what is worn, but it is important that a pastor's wife be dressed modestly. A short skirt or short shorts obviously would not be modest for her, nor would they be for anyone else attending and, in fact, would be a distraction for men in the service. Likewise some tops can be too revealing or accentuate features too much for church. Again, this is just for the purposes of the church service and you don't want men in the church to be distracted or thinking things they shouldn't just because what was worn was not quite appropriate.


• Be uninvolved. I know that over the history of the modern church pastor's wives have often been expected to spearhead children's or missions programs, head up Sunday School or play the piano. I don't think it's fair to expect the wife of the pastor to assume full-time ministry responsibilities within the church unless you are paying her to be on staff as well. I think if she has gifts and wants to use them, just like anyone else, that's great, but to expect her to serve is not right in my eyes. However, I do think if she is completely uninvolved, with no interest in helping or serving in any capacity, that reflects poorly on her husband. It's important to know that when her husband became a pastor, she took on a role in ministry as well. Sometimes it means being more involved than others, but it is a commitment.


These are just a few of the things I've noticed on what is a fairly unapproachable topic within the church. Pastors, how in the world do you teach on something like this? You can't in your own church, but if you've been called to speak at a camp or other event, you have an option to do so, but it sure is a touchy subject. This is one of those areas where Christians want it to stay unspoken, but they will talk about it amongst themselves within the church.

My wife and I have tried out this church for five weeks now. I wrote previously about the other experiences which turned us off and the pastor's wife factors in as well. While I think we can work to overcome things that bother us and contribute to solutions, we're all wired differently. For us, the pastor's wife and all the other things are major distractions that make it difficult to listen to what are pretty good messages from the pastor. And for us, the pastor's wife is probably the nail in the coffin of our desire to stay at this church, though I will have a conversation with the pastor about the other items (not his wife) that are causing us to look into other options.

Just a word of warning, pastors. If you believe your wife is not fully committed to your ministry, you need to have a frank, honest discussion with her and prayerfully consider where that may lead. Is it possible her disinterest is actually a sign that you are not cut out for this as well? Or is it possible that her disinterest is something indeed she needs to overcome, which will only come by true faith in Christ? Tough topic with tough answers, I know.